E-mail, Dating & Break-Ups

Tweet

Between e-mail, Facebook, online dating, IM and SMS, the seeds of love are blossoming and decaying, digitally and the modern relationship now follows a new path…

Many of today’s singles are meeting each other first on online dating sites. They get to know each other safely over a few of e-mail correspondences. Once they feel more comfortable with the idea of “instant” conversation, new dating prospects offer out their MSN Messenger names. When the two have garnered enough banter and inside jokes, boy or girl will make the courageous step of texting an appropriate one-liner to get the flirt ball rolling. If triumphant, after a number of encouraging texts, one will call the other and ask them out on a date.

Once They’ve Met In Person

Dates can go one of many ways. We tend to pay most attention to dates that go “really well” (high
chances of being in a relationship) or dates that go “really terribly”(loving liaison=zero to none).

Eesh

But there is of course the “I’m not really sures”, which can at least lead to subsequent dates, i(f only to ensure the person still looks the same). The “I’m not really sures” will most often progress into “I’m really sure nos”.

“Urrk”

So how to let down “the casuals”, “the serious ones”, and “the not-a-chances” in digital break-up land?

Scaling the Breakup Mediums

The mediums below are the most common avenues people take to say “Sayonara” when cutting ties, (1 being the most favourable dump method, 5 being the least.)

And, while it is difficult to quantify how important the relationship is to the dumpee/how deeply they will be affected based on the number of weeks, months or years they’ve been together, time IS a measure for determining what appropriate method to take.

There are many ways to deliver bad news but the medium by which you transmit the news is actually part of the message. You can provoke VERY different responses depending on how long you’ve been dating and how you dump.

1. Face-to-Face

When is it appropriate?

——> Always. But especially for longer term relationships (3-6 months +). Because facing the person is really the most difficult thing to do, all other break-up routes come off as cop outs.

2. Over the phone

When is it appropriate?

——>  Medium to short term dating (Few dates-2 months of dating)

3. E-mail/Facebook ( only if it’s a private message)

When is it appropriate?

——>Few dates-1 month of dating. (To be discussed

4. Text/Twitter DM

When is it appropriate?

——> 1-2 dates

When is it inappropriate?

Though this example almost makes it appropriate, Britney Spears broke off her marriage with KFed via text. But generally speaking, breaking up via text is kind of scummy.

5. Twitter/Facebook Wall

When is it appropriate?

——>Never. Public breakups are vengeful and carried out deliberately to hurt and humiliate the other person. But revenge is supposed to hurt. If it if the person can laugh at you for being so petty as to share the breakup with the rest of the world before confronting them, than it will be not as hurtful.

Example:

Two years ago a story came out about a woman who found out her marriage had ended when her then-husband posted “Neil Brady has ended his marriage to Emma Brady” via Facebook. She wasn’t even the one to see the post and only discovered that he had announced it on Facebook when friends and family started bombarding her with phone calls to tell her how sorry they were felt for her.

A son also found out about his parents divorce through the popular social network:

There are of course exceptions…

*In cases of long-distance relationships, the most favourable method would thus be using a video-conferencing platform like Skype, then the categories that follow.

Breaking-Up Through E-mail

Whether you’ve just started dating or have been in a relationship for a while, there’s a good chance that if they’re not The One, someone is eventually going to say “I need to figure out exactly what I want”, “I think we’d be better off as friends”, “Please stay away from me” .

A Google survey found that:
• 1 in 3 male respondents considered “break-up emails” neutral to good email etiquette, whereas only 1 in 7 female respondents agreed
• 8% of men and 6% of women said they had broken up with someone over email

Pros of E-mail Break-ups:

- Soften the blow. You can be more delicate in written form and offer a more thorough, (perhaps even honest) explanation as to your reasons for not pursuing the relationship.

- Avoid external pressure and influence. Being away from the person, you can express yourself without interruption or getting convinced to do anything you might regret later getting suckered in to staying in the relationship.

- Reflect and revise what you’re about to say before saying /sending it.

Cons of Dumping Over E-mail:

- Can be regarded as cowardly and impersonal. If you’ve been with the person for a long time, it’s straight up cold.

- The Reply button. Expect that by sending a message, you’ll leave the door open for retort. If the other person doesn’t suspect anything is wrong you may be coming out of left field so don’t be surprised if you receive a rage filled reply.

Breaking-Up 2.0

Face-to-face communication is, in the majority of cases, the most decent way of telling someone something they don’t want to hear or weren’t expecting. People want a reason to explain why the breakup is happening and being there in person gives them the chance to at least ask.

The mobile social network MocoSpace surveyed 20,000 of its members and 57 percent of them said they do their dumping over the phone. 47 percent said they text dump. People are increasingly retreating from face-to-face interactions and when the subject is as difficult as telling someone you are no longer interested in them, it’s clearly much easier to avoid confrontation altogether.

What are your feelings on e-mail breakups? Share your thoughts with us!

Add a comment